I’ve been pondering over how complicated it was/is to be accepted by our peers. It starts out when we’re small children and it doesn’t seem to get any easier. For some of us, that feeling of never truly fitting in is always with us…it follows us through adolescence and beyond.
My son is turning 14 next weekend, and the daughter just turned 12. The hormones are raging in our house, as well as insecurity and a lack of confidence. The week before school started my poor girl was a nervous wreck. She worried about the friends she currently had, and about the ones she was yet to meet.
What if my friends don’t like me anymore? What if I don’t fit in?
The pressure to be popular, unique (but not too unique), and socially accepted can be overwhelming. There is an extremely fine line between friends laughing WITH you, and them laughing AT you. It’s disgustingly popular and common to tear others down in an effort to boost your own low self-esteem, no matter what the cost.
I realize this isn’t something new, we’ve all been through it and some of us continue to struggle, but it’s just like everything else in our world and it continually gets worse. It’s a vicious circle…teasing leads to hurt, and in turn that hurt leads to a lack of confidence and doubt. This can cause the person who now has low self-esteem to begin lashing out, and the cycle begins again…
Over the weekend a fellow blogger/friend of mine posted about the subject of low self-esteem and did an amazing job. Peter wrote Rediscovering Self-Esteem and Rediscovering Young Men, both of which I recommend you read!
Tonight my daughter was upset so we went for a walk. She was sharing how frustrated she is with a few kids from school, some that are new acquaintances, and some who she’s known since first grade. Between the drama these kids cause at school, as well as the sibling rivalry at home with her brother, my girl had reached her limit and she was ready to explode.
By the time we arrived back to our house we’d had a great talk and I think she had a better understanding of how much pressure her brother deals with too. Having lots of friends can be just as difficult to handle as wishing you had more of them. The pressure of living up to the expectations people have of you can be exhausting and terribly consuming. Being funny and entertaining can be tough to ‘deliver’ on a daily basis, especially when you are dealing with your own confidence issues.
It isn’t only about outward appearances either…we were blessed with two exceptionally smart children, and sadly our son feels the need to ‘dumb’ himself down to be more accepted by his peers. His sister is starting to face this pressure now, and though she is much more resistant to peer pressure, the perception being smart brings with it isn’t always a ‘popular’ one.
The worst part is that dealing and living with with these confidence and self-esteem issues doesn’t always end when we’re out of school. There can be self-worth problems in our adult lives as well…with co-workers, friends, relatives, and even people from church. So, what can we do when our children feel outcast and we think we don’t measure up ourselves?
Where exactly is it that we come up with the standard of how we should look, act, dress and even what to believe? I think it is important to remember that each of us was created with our own unique appearance, attitude, abilities, strengths and weaknesses. Not everyone has a nice singing voice (grrr), not everyone can dance (strike two), but we are ALL children of God and were made in His image…this is what should give us our confidence!
1 Samuel 16:7 – “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
We each possess talents and beauty that are impossible for the world to grasp at first glance. What makes us special isn’t something you immediately see on the surface…you MUST go deeper! This is extremely important to take to heart and even more vital to share with our children.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
My mom had told me when I was a teenager that if I wanted boys to like me, I’d have to play dumb, because boys don’t like girls who are smarter than they are. Yep. My mom told me that.
I was a stubborn kid who didn’t know why I would want a boyfriend who needed me to be less than I am, so I did just the opposite. I didn’t have a real “boyfriend” until I was an adult. But I am cool with that.
I hope your kids will value themselves and the gifts God has given them more than the opinions of people who need them to be less than they are.
Good for you, Helen. My daughter is very stubborn too…I know this will be a good thing in certain areas of life…LOL
Thanks for sharing. I too hope my kids will take the values we are trying to teach them to heart, and appreciate the gifts they’ve been blessed with!
I remember that feeling of having to “dumb” things down to fit in. Adolescence is a pain! Sounds like you’re doing an excellent job navigating it though, which gives hope to me when my time comes.
Adolescence is a pain…Amen!
Thanks, Jason.
Maybe, how many twitter followers we have is the new popularity contest.
We need others in our life, but finding the right balance seems tough at times. Maybe, ultimately, there is no balance without Christ?
Nice post…
I thought about Twitter as I wrote this post. Funny how even as adults these ‘competition’ issues still arise!
Christ IS the balance that makes the difference…thank you!
Funny, I was kind of on the other end of the spectrum . I never felt like I was smart enough or pretty enough. You know. Just being me was never enough. I’m not sure that I ever really figured out my place among my peers. I had a few really good friends, which was all that mattered to me.
I’m praying hard that between my husband and I that we can instill a strong self-confidence and God-reliance on our girls. With all the struggles that await them in their future, we want them to be a prepared as possible.
You are taking ALL the right steps…I bet the kids will do great!
I was right with you back in my school days. I never felt I measured up and made plenty of mistakes trying to ‘fit in’. I swear I looked like Greg Brady…not a pretty picture at all!
Greg? Really? I always related to Cindy, I guess. Not just because she looked exactly like me, and was the youngest, …well, ya. Maybe that
)
It’s funny how so often we just assume that adulthood automatically brings with it self esteem etc.
It’s like suddenly you’re no longer a teenager so magically all your confidence issues must be fixed!
Great post, Bridget, and thank you SO much for linking to my posts. It’s a great encouragement.