If you look up the definition of guilt, this is what you’ll find:
a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
The part that jumps out at me is that is says real or imagined. How many of us blame ourselves for incidents that were completely out of our control and couldn’t have been avoided?
Many people live their lives with so much guilt it is impossible for them to ever feel truly happy or content. The kind of guilt I’m talking about here isn’t caused by sin (though sin certainly does cause guilt), instead I’m focusing on the ‘imagined’ responsibility we tend to unnecessarily keep hold of. I know from personal experience how often I go back to the ‘what if’ mode… what if I hadn’t spoken those hurtful words… what if I had acted more mature…what if I’d tried harder…what if I hadn’t spent that money..?
For some the question isn’t ‘what if’…it’s ‘why’…why didn’t I think before I spoke…why did I make such a bad choice…why am I so selfish…why do I repeat the same mistakes over and over…why did I go back for that third helping AND dessert…why didn’t I follow my heart…?
If you’ve been reading my blog you know I worry and my kids will attest to the fact I’m very protective (to say the least). From the first moment we contemplated having a baby I started taking precautions. I ate the right foods, I took vitamins the size of a house, I read the books…I was going to do it right! I’m sure many of you have done this exact same thing.
Then one day you get that first glimpse of your little blessing and you want nothing more than to protect and love them with every ounce of your being. Unfortunately…no matter how hard you try…it’s impossible to keep them ‘safe’ 100% of the time. They will fall down and skin their knees, get bloody lips and black eyes…and manage to get sick even with every precaution taken.
On my watch (hard to admit) I’ve witnessed my 2 year old bite my 2 month old while she was in my arms…I stood a few feet away as my 8 year old fell out of a treehouse breaking his arm in two places…and while we were playing outside one afternoon my son swung a bat almost knocking his sister unconscious (she still has a bump next to her eye after many years). Regretfully there are also the much bigger incidents we can’t forget that will take us right back to those haunting words..what if I’d trusted my instincts and gone with my gut feeling…why didn’t I see it sooner…?
If you let them, the what ifs and the why’s will eventually consume you. The longer we carry guilt around the harder it is to let it go. It can lead us to mistakenly believe God can’t possibly love us because of how often we screw up. Why would he care about me when I’m not worth it? Does he really believe that I’m sorry when I continue to fall short and make promises I don’t keep?
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
When I touch the bump on my daughters face or see pictures of my sons arm in a cast, I immediately feel a twinge of guilt and sadness deep inside. As I think about the scars on their hearts that only God can heal, the pain is crushing. These are the times I need to let the peace and grace of our Lord envelop me as I remember that nothing can separate us from His love.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Bridget-
Seriously, I bet your kids won’t even remember, or be scarred, or definitely not hold it against you!! Life is full of risk, and accidents are part of that. We can’t keep our kids from getting hurt. Otherwise, they would never know how to go out into the world. But I totally understand the guilt. Sometimes hard to shake off. I feel guilty for things with my kids – and even if I can’t precisely define what it is, I know I should have/could have been a better father. Somehow.
Thanks for the final verse and reminder that nothing seperates us from God’s love. His grace covers us.
Well said, Bridget. Guilt is such a useless, wasted emotion – that is, until it brings us to our knees in prayer. Everything we embrace about guilt is simply the sound of a bell that can’t be unrung. Motherhood is filled with wishes for do-overs, and they can ridiculously consume us. (Been there, still visit now and again). Thank goodness for God’s grace and mercy. Oh, and for friends with which we can share and confess those “respectable sins” (in the words of Jerry Bridges) of worry and guilt.
But vitamins the size of a house?? Whoa.
I thought I knew guilt before my kids were born, but that word takes on a whole new meaning when you have children. As hard as I try to be a good father, I go to bed every night with every failure still fresh in my mind.
But I think it’s in our very nature to let everyone down at some point. All the more reason to look to the One who will never let us down in return.
Great post, Bridget!
I love this.
Isn’t it funny that guilt and fear seem to go hand-in-hand with being a parent? We fear that ‘something’ is going to happen, and then when it does–whether we had anything to do with it or not–we somehow manage to find a reason we should feel guilty about it.
Thank you!
Wow Bridget way to take that gut wrenching emotion we all feel and make me cry as I am reading about it. It is so true that we carry around the what ifs and the why’s for all our lives but thank you for reminding us that in God we can find peace and rest.
@Bradley It is a big/bad world out there and yes they do have to learn to survive. I just wish it didn’t hurt ‘me’ so much along the way!
@Candy Maybe the vitamins weren’t quite that size…but close!
Guilt is useless but can also be humbling and a learning experience (but I still hate it). lol
@Billy Thank goodness kids are so forgiving and accept us as we are. They are like God in that way and for that I am truly grateful!
@makeadiff Exactly…we can predict what ‘might’ happen all day long…and when something ‘does’ happen we blame ourselves..crazy how being parents brings this out in so many of us.
@Laurie If we didn’t have our heavenly Father to turn to I can’t imagine what a lonely and depressing life it would be…thanks for the note!
Bridget, guilt would be there no matter what. I know my mom feels guilty for being overprotective. I never broke my arm, got a black eye, etc, because she’d go into hysterics if I asked to climb a tree, try a skateboard, etc. She tried to put a sort of bubble around me, but it didn’t work. The world still got to me, but I didn’t know how to deal with it. No, I am not angry with her for it. She did her best. Her mistakes were made with love and the best of intentions.
And now that mom is in my care, I feel guilty every time she gets a rash or bladder infection. Maybe if I would have….
Guilt is a big one, isn’t it? It’s always there. Even when we are faithless, He remains faithful. In everything, but with my kids especially, I have to continually remind myself that He is there when I’m not and loves them more than I ever can. I pray for them a lot, but I trust God to watch them and lead them.
Thanks for sharing your heart!
Thanks Jason! I pray for my kids constantly and I know the rest I have to leave up to God. (Sounds so much easier than it really is)!