About a month ago I shared a story about some very dear friends who have a son that was sexually abused. You can read the original post about how his innocence was stolen, and the devastation the family felt when they learned of the abuse.
A few have asked how the family has been, and for an update on their lives and the healing process. This is where they are today…
The boy is now a teen, going through all the normal changes the body goes through… the difficult part is that on top of the crazy hormones many of our own tween/teens are dealing with… he has guilt, confusion, and anger that have surfaced as well.
When the family went to counseling, they were told things could get stirred up again once the magical puberty phase struck. They also learned that the true impact would more than likely surface as he matured, and realized how disturbed a person has to be to do inappropriate things to a child.
What his mom and dad discovered is… that was precisely what would happen.
This young man has anger issues not only with his offender, but with other family members he feels haven’t supported him as they could have, and those who think he should have moved on by now.
Some are from another era… a time when you swept things under the rug, and didn’t make a big deal or tell about things that happened within the family.
He’s received mixed signals for years, and now that he’s old enough to speak his mind and express his feelings… the reasons he gives are extremely valid.
He feels like those who still associate with the offender (or that family) are betraying him… this is a very tricky situation since the victim and offender are relatives (typically this is the case)… everyone is affected by the impact of this crime.
I’ve watched the parents struggle when it comes time for family get togethers. The offender and his immediate family don’t attend these gatherings, but other family members he feels betrayed by are there… which makes things really tough.
There’s no question they love this young man and want to be part of his life, but when dealing with someone who was a victim as a small child, those hurtful feelings and emotions he felt then… still run deep.
He has a hard time not lashing out at them, even though they never intentionally try to hurt him. He’s still maturing… learning how to process things, to forgive, and to heal.
What I’ve personally witnessed over the years is… a little boy who was incredibly strong and brave… he sat in a huge chair next to a judge with his tiny feet dangling and wiggling as he told his story in front of total strangers… and answered questions no child should ever have to…
Then he listened as family members said he was lying… that he was young, confused, and didn’t really understand. They denied anything had happened, and maintained the offender was innocent.
He heard ALL these things, yet still attempts to celebrate holidays with some of these people… a few of them actually continue to stand by what they said in court… even after the offender confessed… proving they were wrong (lying) when they testified.
I believe this young man is viewed as weak by some of his extended family and it baffles me. Reality is… how many of us would want to associate with those who claim to love us… yet stab us in the back and never apologize for doubting us?
I can’t imagine how much strength he must possess to do as well as he has for this long.
I wish I had a happy ending to share… but the fact is… forgiveness and healing are long and drawn out processes in these situations.
He has parents that love him unconditionally and will always be there for him… (which is a great start)… but he needs much more.
Jesus replied, “What is impossible with men is possible with God.”
Luke 18:27
Healing will gradually happen over time… with continual prayer, maturity, and then more time and prayer.
God’s love can mend his broken heart… but the young man has to be ready (and able) to put his anger and guilt aside… allowing the healing to truly take place.
I see great things in his future, and I know his parents are very proud of him. I hope he’ll soon start to see these wonderful qualities he possesses for himself.
I remember that infectious little giggle and smile that faded many years ago… and now I pray for more healing moments… the times where those who care deeply get to witness laughter and joy beginning to return… ever so slowly and cautiously… to this amazing young man and his family.
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He did what the world (and some of his extended family members) hate: he told the truth. And now his heart has to heal. And we’ll pray for that, Bridget.
But, in the meantime, our hearts break.
Thanks, Glynn.
Praying for ongoing healing moments for him.
Also wondering if he needs to put some wise boundaries in place … I’m not sure forgiving those extended family members means he has to reconcile the relationships, at least not at this time.
I agree completely… thanks for that thought, Janet.
I wish this were an isolated incident and that the majority of people had more love and common sense, but I know it’s not the case. The story is so sad, but thank God there is an opportunity for healing. As long as we have breath, we can take another step toward restoration in Him.
Thanks Bridget.
This is one of those instances when it’s really tough for me to believe that God can turn all things for good. But it’s true, I know it’s true, and I’m trusting it’ll be true with him.
Thanks for the update, Bridget.
I believe that God can heal us, but there are some instances where it is a life long process. This is one of those instances.
@Jason @Billy Amen!
@katdish The family has come to realize this as well. It’s so sad and heartbreaking that a selfish act by a selfish person can cause pain for so many innocent people… pain that potentially may never end! (at least not in this world)
Ongoing prayers for this lifelong process. The healing will continue especially with support from those closest to him, forgiveness and reconciliation is an even harder and longer process. Sometimes as it seems we are almost there something happens to bring back all those old feelings and we have to rely even more on God to help us overcome them again.
Thank you, Laurie. Life is full of one step forward… and three steps back!
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” That goes for all parties involved. But sometimes lying goes so deep, people really don’t know what the truth is any more. I’m glad he has loving parents and of course, a God who will not give up on him.
I hope he realizes that God won’t give up… that is a great thing to pray for. Thanks, Candy.
I feel badly for this young man. He should not have to associate with people who lie about him under oath.
It’s not that I don’t believe in forgiveness. I just think it would be easier from a distance.
I understand what you mean. Forgiveness has different meanings during the different stages (I think). He’s been through enough already.
Betrayal. Violation. Intense feelings of unresolved hurt and anger.
I always wonder why it takes so long for anger to become sadness.
Sadness is grief put away properly.
I want to know how to offer comfort. Real comfort to people with stories of great pain and suffering. It seems like we want people to get healthy or get spiritual and what they need first, I’m figuring out, is comfort. Comfort is a concept we aren’t comfortable with. How ironic.
This was such a tender post, with his best interests at heart. Blessings as you and we help contain and distribute this pain. No one can bear it alone.
Kathleen, I really appreciate your words… “sadness is grief put away properly”… I like that.
Thank you.
Bridget,
Healing is so hard in situations like this. Sure time will help in the healing process but this young man will need the support from others around, not just support for this situation but just about everything in his everyday life. Its so hard to heal from one wound when you have new ones everyday. It’ll be the little things that eat at him and get to him the most, math scores, how his toast is cooked, if his hair looks just perfect.
As he grows up and matures hopefully he can come to terms with yes this happened but its in my past. There’s a saying that I’ve come to love: “At some point you have to give up on having a better past.” All you can do is look to the future and the only actions you can control are your own.
I hope everything works out for the best and he keeps healing, I know he has the support he needs and is going to need as he grows up.
Abbey… such wise words! I too pray that he’ll be able to distinguish the past from his future.
That is a wonderful saying… thank you for sharing it and stopping by.
Gosh, my heart is just broken. I feel paralyzed just reading this….I cannot imagine what this beautiful boy (and family) are going through.
“Some are from another era… a time when you swept things under the rug, and didn’t make a big deal or tell about things that happened within the family.”
This is EXACTLY the era of my parents…..the abuse, the alcoholism, etc….and sadly, my mother still lives this way. In denial……even when things are bubbling and surfacing right in front of her, she chooses to turn her eyes and ears away. We were just always brought up with…”If you don’t talk about it, it didn’t happen.”
I will continue to pray…..
That whole mentality is beyond what I can comprehend. This is why (I believe) we have so many offenders today. So many victims don’t receive the help they need and go on to commit similar crimes themselves. So much for sweeping it under the rug!
Thank you for your kindness and prayers, Michelle.